Thursday, April 30, 2009

Thoughts on Wonderful

(This is Peanut, the little life inside my sister Jenna)
When I first began this post, I had initially titled it "Thoughts On Tragedy". My sister Jenna (you can read her blog here) is expecting a baby this August, and until a few weeks ago she thought that everything was perfect. But everything wasn't perfect as her 20 week ultrasound showed. The baby boy growing inside of her is not perfect.

20 years ago I walked into labor and delivery with a perfect daughter inside of my body. A child I had known intimately for 9 months. A child I had named, dreamed about, sang to and loved. Hours later, I lay in a hospital room with my daughter, only I felt as if she were a changeling from an old fairy story. She was not perfect. She was broken. The list of what was wrong with her was so long it threatened to wrap itself around my throat and refuse me another breath. It took a couple of hours before I could even hold her. I felt betrayed and alone. I did hold her though, and God poured his love through her eyes into mine and I saw that she was perfect after all.

I wonder now, as I think back on the life and death of my daughter Whitney, whether I would have wanted to know ahead of time what was going to be. I think about Jen, carrying her baby that for 20 weeks was perfect, was hers. Now he is someone else. She has 4 months left to think and contemplate on what life will bring when he is born. 4 months to worry if he will be okay.

There is good and bad in both I suppose.

Whitney had something entirely different than Nick and Jen's baby. He may have something far gentler, or it could be much more severe. Tests and time will tell.

I absolutely hate that my sister has to endure this. I am angry that she cannot continue to be the Jenna 'before'. But I praise God, because she will never be the Jenna "before" again. She will be so much stronger, be filled with love she never knew existed, and have an empathy born inside of her that she never knew possible "before". If you knew my sister, you would know that this is saying a lot. She is loving, caring, giving and empathetic already. She is a mother, every inch of her a mother.

I ask your prayers for little "peanut". I believe in the promises of God and the miracles that he can and does cause to be because of prayer. I know that if it is His good will, that He will heal that precious life inside of my sister, and make him whole and healthy and strong. But I know too, that if His will is something else, that it will be just as beautiful. I look at the ultrasound photo of him and my chest cannot contain the love I feel. I am literally brought to my knees with the enormity of it. I cannot imagine how Nick and Jenna must feel. He is so beautiful and wonderful. His disease is a tragedy, but he is a miracle.

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. Romans 5:1-5 ff. (NIV)


Darlene said...

I think I have fixed the comment problem with my blog! Yaaa!

danaandjuliette said...

My baby sister is pregnant right now also. Although I don't know your pain, but I do know your God; and He is good. I want you to know that I will print out the picture of the ultrasound and I will pray for your sister's beautiful baby. Everything you said is right, hold on to Jesus and let him comfort you, strengthen you and carry your sister through. He will; I know you already know that. Have peace my sister.

Darlene said...

Thank you so much for your precious comment. I forwarded it to my sister so she could read it as well. God bless you!!

Marcy said...

Prayers going up for your sister... and you, as well. I was blessed with 3 healthy children so although I don't know what you've been thru or what your sister is going thru... my heart goes out to you both - as a mother! God bless you!

Jean said...

I am so sorry about your sister's precious baby and also the loss of your Whitney. Two years ago, my sweet grandson, CJ, was born with HLHS. My son and daughter-in-law, also, found out while he was in the womb that he was not perfect as we consider perfect, but in God's precious timing he was made perfect. We had our CJ for 14 months and it was the most precious 14 months. During the time, it was hard, there were many ups and downs, worries, tons of prayers and just the knowledge that whatever happened this child was in God's hands, the best place to be, and we would give thanks for the joy of having him for whatever time God allowed us. I cannot read about another family or another baby hurting without just crying for that family. I am so sorry you've had to go through this and that your sister has the unknown ahead of her. I will be praying for all of you, Darlene. I Have A Maker was my song for CJ and Psalm 139:13-18 his scripture.

Darlene said...

Thank you both for your comments, and God bless you for thinking of my sister. Jean, I know exactly what you mean, Whitney (my daughter) lived for exactly 14 months, and we were so blessed through that precious girl. I know now where she is, and that she is safe and happy and loved beyond any love a human parent could provide. Thank you so much for your prayers!