I woke this morning, The dream that I had worked my way out of still hanging about my mind and body like a shroud.
I was driving with my husband. The vehicle stopped working in the middle of a busy intersection at a plaza-like shopping center. I volunteered to go into Von's and get change. Why would change help in this situation? Who knows.
I went in, with a large bag on my shoulder. In the bag was my Lulu, my pug that I had to help over the bridge a couple of years ago, and Gemma, my little one-eyed Japanese Chin that currently inhabits the places in my heart reserved for furry babies.
I walked into the store and was transported into a sea of people. All were quite friendly. I saw a piece of paper at my feet and as I was staring at it, a handsome man in his 30's said, "Oh don't worry, I dropped that there." I smiled at him and he looked at me with recognition in his eyes and a warm and happy smile.
I moved on through the people, and then made my way outside across a field of grass to where the truck had been parked in the middle of the road. I couldn't see the truck, or my husband, anywhere.
I was getting hungry, and I walked into a little Chinese place. I ordered soup and coffee. The coffee to-go cups were strange and not all that clean. After waiting much too long for soup, I cancelled my order and told the lady behind the counter about the cups. She just stared at me with large dark eyes. The handsome man was sitting at a table, eating.
I walked out and into another portion of the plaza. People were waiting in lines with placards that hung above them that read "Registrar". I moved through, calling "Mike!", but no one even appeared to hear me. The handsome man was in that room too, I am not sure if I saw him or just felt him there.
The joy at seeing Lulu was palpable. I hugged her warm body and kissed her. She played with Gemma on the lawn. But I was growing increasingly sure that I couldn't find anyone I knew. I didn't feel afraid, but I felt separated. I woke.
As the dream wove around my head like magic, I darted upright in my bed. My heart felt weighted and heavy in my chest, as if it was full of un-shed tears, and so I shed them. I was afraid that the dream meant I do have breast cancer, and that it would take me away from everyone that I knew. As I write this blog, I think about the word registrar. Of course I knew it existed, but I don't think I have ever used it. I looked up it's definition: An official keeper of records that are kept in a register.